I have sat on this information for quite a while — since 2005 or 2006 actually. Before I get into this post, I’ll share that I have disabled the comments (don’t need any extra shit and lot of y’all aren’t as nice as you think you are).
Since March 2013, I’ve been debating on something really heavily – filing bankruptcy. Since January 14, 2014 at 7:44pm (CST), I’ve been crying my face off while telling myself that jumping from the Crescent City Connection won’t end my problems (because knowing my luck, I would somehow survive even though it’s so high up and I can’t swim).
Why would something make me cry this hard and contemplate ending my life though? Like many other people, I fell on hard times (but I hate this and I’ll explain why).
As of January 14, 2014 at 7:44pm (CST), I am the Co-Signer of two student loans that have since gone into default. I could buyout my portion and some of my freedom back for a mere $8,000 (the collections agency’s words, not mine…certainly not mine) if I act fast and do it before Friday.
Except it is the middle of the week and:
- I am sleeping on a Cousin’s couch after having been put out of the place I was staying because I wasn’t bringing any money in. Honestly, I feel that my time here has run short and since I’m not a “Priority Group” within the Homeless Population, I don’t have a bed in anyone’s shelter.
- I have applied and applied and applied to all kinds of jobs that I can think of. Here’s the latest sting in my life – I did a tiny experiment to see if people would hire me if they thought I had a record. Do you know I got two call backs? Apparently, companies get tax credits (or breaks) for hiring a percentage of this population and even if you’re overqualified, they’ll consider you if you’ve been to jail. Those two organizations have since put me on a “Do Not Hire” list…not that they were going to hire me to begin with.
- In addition to the TWO student loans that have defaulted, I have my own loans to worry about. I’ve been making good faith payments to my companies of like $10, $20, or $40 when the money comes my way. Yet, even though they know I’m homeless, with a struggling business and no part-time job money, they insist on telling me how stupid I am for having gone to school, got two degrees and then unfortunately, have been unable to find a job in a market where jobs tend to go to people hiring folks know and not necessarily who can do the best job.
- I am questioning if I actually made the right decision to leave a job that physically, mentally and emotionally made me sick because there was a steady paycheck even though my hair was falling out because everyone else has said that it was quite dumb.
With all that being said, I just want to say quickly that I hate the term “I fell on hard times.” Why? Because no one falls on that and if a person says that to you in a conversation, it means that you are actually an insensitive person who comes across as incapable of showing empathy because you would “never” find yourself in that situation.
Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20 and that’s what people don’t want to admit. But you know what else people don’t want to talk about?
The emotional toll it takes on you. It’s emotionally taxing to keep the secret because you are embarrassed. You aren’t freed by sharing this because people judge you and tell you that “you should have just used a budget” and “well that wasn’t very smart and instead of helping you and not criticizing you, I’m going to tear you down more.” You don’t feel better when you admit it to yourself either. In my case, whenever I’m adult enough to answer my phone and not send my bill collectors to voicemail, I have arm and leg pain AND a migraine and chest pains for at least 24 hours. Seriously.
As I shared in another post, had I known back in 2004 that I would be facing this mountain of bullshit in January of 2014, I’d have dropped out and…well…I don’t know what I would have done. But I’d rather live a mediocre existence barely making ends meet THAN have to deal with other people pointing out how my own personal decision-making skills and not a flawed system is the reason I’m in this.
I didn’t fall on hard times. Like everyone else, this shit hit me like a f***ing ton of bricks.
NOTE: I disabled comments because I don’t want to read other strangers who have made questionable ass decisions in present day foolishness say how “stupid” that was of me. Sallie Mae has that on lock.